Farin' on the West Winds of Erin: Fear Bird: Part 2

7. HEIGHTS.

http://mari11.tumblr.com/page/3

You all know what I'm talking about. That inherent impulse to throw yourself off the edge of a cliff. Or slip beneath the guard-rail on a Ferris Wheel. Or lean a little too far over the banister of a stairwell. Edward Abbey, an American author and essayist, believed that this "pull of the heights" displayed humans' latent acrophilia (getting aroused from high altitudes). Edgar Allen Poe had a term for it--the Imp of the Perverse--"a metaphor for the common tendency to do exactly the wrong thing in a given situation; the impulse is compared to an imp (a small demon) which leads an otherwise decent person into mischief" (Wikipedia). To be honest, the naughty urge to put myself in danger Freaks. Me. Out. Now if you'd please excuse me for a moment--I'd like to eject the contents of my stomach.

8. Creaks and whumps in the dark.

http://designartwall.com/2009/05/35-free-dark-backgrounds/

Not knowing what that sound was or where that sound came from scares me.

While I acknowledge that I've seen too many scary movies AND have a highly active imagination, you try telling me that "it's all in my head" when it's 3AM, dark in the house (except for the moonlight coming through the window-shades and stretching shadows across the walls), and there's a steady creaking on the wood floors downstairs. An intruder's footsteps? Or just Dobby?

crosslandteam.com

Was that the shadow of a Peeping Tom? Or just shadow puppets?

camping-field-guide.com

The dark is confusing. And disorienting. So what it really comes down to is the question What's real?
It's the possibility of that whooshing sound being a whisper, that blurry black blob being a person, that *click* being a door shutting that's scary.

Point is: invest in nightlights. And a bat.

9. The ocean. (My friend, B, a native Baltimoron, is gonna raise hell about this one).
I know, I know, the ebb and flow of the ocean is scientifically proven to relax people and the sound of crashing waves quiets a busy mind. I've sat on the beach and have fallen asleep to the waves' predictability and hum, so I see those statements as fact. However, this doesn't relax me...

http://blog.imjonas.com/

...nor does this...

http://minniecity.tumblr.com/

...or this, for that matter...

http://phobiia.tumblr.com/page/2

And this just looks like a "slam you into the ocean floor and force gallons of salt water down your throat" type situation...

http://holesinhappiness.tumblr.com/page/7

Stresses. Me. Out.

I'm sure many folks, my friend B included, will argue against my ocean-phobia, claiming that my being from a land-locked state is to blame. But I've taken plenty of vacations to the beach and have had plenty of opportunities to experience the alleged glory of the sea. And you know what I've walked away with? Sand-scrapes, salt-ridden innards, and jelly-fish stings. Yikes, I say. "I scared!!!"

10. Drugs.

http://thexinfinatexabyss.tumblr.com/

My motto: if it has to be meticulously dosed/measured and if it can't be mixed with a variety of other substances, then STAY AWAY.

I'm the first to admit that all bodies behave differently. I have a hyperactive stomach and a buttload of allergies, for instance. I ain't foolin' with no "foreign additives" or "unpredictable side-effects." No way, no how.

And because that last one was a bit of a downer (pun intended), I'm also afraid of...

11. NO CAFFEINE!
If I weren't already married (to a bomb-of-a-babe, no less), you'd have free reign to taunt me with, "If you love it so much, then why don't you marry it?" Seriously, me + caffeine = heaven. A very functional, alert, and happy, happy heaven :)