I apologize for the tangential entries lately (this one included)...I've been hashing out my personal quandaries instead of exercising daily creativity. Granted, as I'm aplogizing, I'm realizing that life is art's inspiration, so perhaps my "issues" are actually fertile ground? Let's think half-full thoughts on that subject, shall we?
Either way, I'll hurry up and spill what's going on in my life so that we can get back to discussing the whimsies and fancies of ART. So, I have this friend C who I've been friends with since third grade. We've been friends for over 15 years! Though we went to separate high schools and separate colleges, we managed to maintain our friendship via phone calls, e-mails, and occasional hang-outs when both of us were home visiting family. We rocked our "long-distance friendship," I tell you what. And I cherished C for his constancy--he was always there. But 2 years ago, something changed between us. It all started when I decided to go to grad school where C was finishing up his last year of undergrad. I hadn't found a place to live yet and bided my time by shacking up in his living room for a month or so. Long story short, we grew closer (and how could you not in such close quarters?). Outside of class, we were doing everything together--eating meals, partying, hiking, shopping for groceries, going to the gym...But before I could process the dynamic shift in our relationship for myself, his mother took me aside at a dinner party and told me that her son cared deeply about me, loved me even, but was too shy and too scared to tell me himself (which I'm sure I responded to with my best shock face). It was that moment right there where everything changed; I see it now. It not only forced me to acknowledge C's changed feelings for me, but it forced me to make sense of my feelings for C.
But these forced revelations were uninvited, not on my own time, and so the flavor of C's and my situation unintentionally changed. I suddenly felt awkward around C, not sure what to think of these alleged feelings he had for me and his sharing them with his mother. As far as C knew, I was still in the dark. I moved out of his apartment and into my own place. Days went by and he went about things in the same old way, except that I couldn't help obsessing over the fact that he wasn't telling me how he felt. I needed to hear it from him, I needed him to show me, because if he didn't, this gray-zone between friendship and "something else" was gonna wear on me.
Which eventually it did. I started to see C as his old self again, as my long-time friend. I put aside what his mother told me, forgot the details of it even, and focused on what C told me, how he behaved towards me. And we fell back into a friendship.
Which is about the time I met A, my now-fiance :) C had just graduated from undergrad and was traveling around South America, when I suddenly found myself with little to do and no friends to do it with. But A picked up the slack nicely, and as we spent more time together, well...we fell in love--BIG TIME. And a year and half later, we got engaged! I'm the happiest and most fulfilled I've been in my entire life, and all I've wanted is to share my happiness with my long-time friend C. But I haven't seen C for 7 months since I told him my news. 7 months it's taken for me to realize that I'm out. No longer am I in C's field of vision, field of thought, or field of interest. I'm straight up not on his radar anymore. I don't even think we're friends...or at least that's what I make of his deliberate absence in my life. And I'm heartbroken over it. I remember all the years we spent--15 years!--making an effort to stay in each other's lives! And then poof! No more.
But you know what? Despite being sad, sad, sad about losing C as a friend, I can't help admitting that I've lost friends before. C's not the first, and, unfortunately, he's probably not the last. People change and they don't always change together. Sometimes they become different people with different interests, traveling different life paths, and sometimes friends become strangers. This morning, too, reminded me of a life-proven fact: things happen for a reason. As I was driving to work, the words--"who we are has brought us here"--floated out of the radio. I thought to myself, Exactly. I can't blame C for being himself and going his own way, and I can't blame myself, either, for being who I am. I've certainly gone an unexpected path! 2 years ago, I would never have guessed that I'd be getting married! Thinking about the turns we've both taken, it's actually a surprise that we stayed friends for so long, so I should be grateful for our 15 years. I should be able to take a deep breath, turn around, and with a settled heart, continue on my way. Though I don't want to let him walk out of my life, I will, because friends support each other in their life's journeys, they support each other's decisions. I'll let C go because "who we are has brought us here," and I can't regret how far we've come...
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